IDEAL WAY TO GET A GIRLFRIEND

I have thought about this long and hard and have finally thought up a scenario. Having given this situation an eagle eyed view from all angles, I have come to the conclusion that this is the best situation for everyone involved.

SCENARIO

I get into the company bus at the usual godforsaken time of six in the morning. I am surprised to see a girl occupying my very own left hand side window seat in the third row. I give her a questioning look; a look that will simply send shivers through a demure little creature such as this one. In my mind I remind myself about these types. One small smile and they will be all around you. ‘I have to put her in place right away’ I think morosely. She gives a nervous smile and says that she is the new process engineer in the ‘advanced super semiconductors and micro-ceramics’ division. What? I didn’t even know there was such a division in my company. Of course, I manage to hide this shock quite admirably from her as I give her a knowing, almost careless, nod (Brain wink!) while all the time memorizing ‘advanced super semiconductors and micro-ceramics’ in my mind.

***

We get down from the bus. By pure coincidence (not due to any purposeful scattering of my bag contents just outside her seat and thus making her help me pick them up) we get down together at the very last. I keep looking at my phone, giving scant regard to her vanilla-scented hair, her perfectly smooth facial features, her neatly manicured toenails and her full, curvy…

“How do I get to the advanced super semiconductors and micro-ceramics division?” she asks.

Again, I hide my internal confusion pretty neatly from her as I quickly bring my phone to my ear and start talking on it, while indicating a vague direction to her. ‘I want that data mailed to me in one hour, no less’, I shout into the dormant phone. Suddenly ‘Dhan te Na’ from Kaminey starts playing loudly from my phone as I feel a ticklish sensation in my ears. I immediately press the button to silence the ringtone and shout into the phone about switching off the radio while at work (Brain wink!).

I quickly walk away towards my division. I casually glance back and see her smiling slightly. ‘Another dame floored instantly’, I think.

‘Girls! Show them a well built (parts near the midriff can be called very well built) handsome, ‘Rahul Bose-type-receding-hair-styled’ hunk and the things they do to catch his attention!! Ridiculous!

***

For next few days I keep a low profile around her. Though a part of me feels that I can keep the lowest of profiles by simply not being around her, another part reasons that, being a Gandhian, I need to follow his principles and learn to control my desires. I feel proud of myself in general. Then, one day, after some seventeen weeks of low profile I decide to learn more about her. As I am now aware of the stop she gets down every evening, I plan to casually be there when she gets down the next day. So I apply for casual leave the next day. I arrive at the stop just one hour before the bus comes. As it stops I grab my phone, make sure it is switched off, and start shouting into it. I catch her eye and carelessly wave at her. She smiles (Girls! No?).

“So, you live around here?” I ask her patronizingly.

She replies that she knows I have been ogling at her for past seventeen weeks (Such a psycho! She has been counting the weeks!) And that I need not feel nervous and that she too likes me. I look shocked at this blatant accusation and tell her that I need to think about it as things were going pretty fast for my liking (Brain wink!).

***

After intense self-brainstorming for a solid duration of eleven seconds I decide to finally relent to this crazy psycho female, lest she take some untoward decision. I call after her just as she takes a turn into a by-lane.

I clearly tell her that I am not like those hopeless romantics who fall head over heels for girls and pursue after them without a care in this world (She smirks a little which, I am sure, is due to some muscle pull in her left cheek).

“Don’t expect me to spend hundreds of rupees on you every other weekend” I tell her sternly.

“I don’t mind spending hundreds of rupees on you” she replies.

I look shocked at this insult but manage to grin through the pain in order not to hurt her feelings.

“You think I am cheap enough to come after you just for some hundreds of rupees?” I ask in a hurt voice.

“I don’t mind spending even thousands of rupees” she replies.

I manage an even wider grin amidst all the emotional turmoil in my mind. I decide to relent. Obviously this female has low self-esteem and I have to help her with it, I think.

“I am all yours” I reply (Brain wink!)