THE SECOND INNINGS

“Look at straightness of his elbow!” exclaimed Raman, slapping his six year old son on the back. Swami smiled gleefully as the little man on the screen punched another good length ball to the boundary.

Swami was introduced to cricket by his father on a rainy Monday. He did not want to attend school and his mother would hear none of it. Raman, however, reasoned with her.

“Let the child rest. As it is I am not going to office today. I will take care of him”.

Jaya smiled.

“So, what was his score overnight? “She asked.

Raman grinned sheepishly and went out to get the morning paper.

The bond between Raman and his son started because of one man – Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar. That Monday changed the relationship between them as Sachin (thirty seven not out overnight on a tricky Mumbai wicket) went on to score a memorable century. A bewitched Swami fell into the world of Sachinism and, like millions of Indians, became its permanent occupant. His father was a purist as far as cricket was concerned and regarded Sachin as the most complete batsman. The expansive extolments by his father coupled with the string of breath-taking innings that Sachin played ensured that Swami matched his dad when it came to worshipping Sachin.

As the years passed Cricket and Sachin were the only topics that bound a rather fragile father-son relationship. Even after this mutual interest, the two of them found very few topics on which they were comfortable conversing with each other. Discussion regarding Sachin’s innings or India’s victory would last for hours after which there would be periods of awkward silence before both of them went their respective ways to mind their businesses. Further, College outside hometown and a subsequent job in North India meant that the relationship between Raman and Swami grew even more dysfunctional. Whenever Swami called home and Raman picked up, there would be uneasy pauses before either he asked for mother or Raman passed over the phone to his wife.

Fifteen years went by like this before Swami got an unexpected transfer back to his hometown. This meant that suddenly he was forced to spend more time with Raman. Like Swami, Raman had also changed. His conversations were now limited to Jaya and his need for companionship made him irritable on many occasions. When he got to know that Swami was coming back, he felt a surge of happiness mixed with a small dose of apprehension. What if his son carried the mannerisms he exhibited over the phone into the house? It had been more than ten years since they had had a decent one-on-one talk. When Swami arrived home and smiled at his mother while giving a perfunctory nod at Raman, his fears were confirmed. His son had almost become a stranger to him.

Swami’s views and outlook had changed a lot in the years he had stayed away from home. The same laidback, joke-cracking Raman who he used to look up to was now a source of annoyance to him. He despised the conservative attitude of his father and his insistence on following rules and regulations, even at home. Raman’s constant jibes at Jaya for issues of inconsequence irked him. When Raman tried to impose these rules on him as well, Swami’s attitude towards his father went from bad to worse. He gave a deaf ear to Raman’s pleas and appeals and refused to even look him in the eye.

Swami felt thankful for Sundays as it was a holiday for him and both his parents. This meant that he needn’t be alone with Raman. Saturdays, though, were a nightmare as Jaya went to work while Swami and Raman had holidays. Swami tried to avoid staying home on Saturdays by planning meetings with school friends, colleagues and even cousins. Another significant change in Swami was the fact that cricket had lost its charm on him. Sachin was no more the boy wonder who drew Swami to cricket and made him bunk school and college lectures. He was a tired old man trying his best to leave the cricketing scene with dignity. It had been three years since he had scored a century. Naturally the cricket conversations between Swami and Raman had become almost non-existent.

It was a usual Saturday morning and Swami was getting ready to flee the house as quickly as he could. The TV blared in a volume high enough for the whole apartment to hear, which was typical of Raman whenever he saw TV. Swami felt a bout of irritation creeping into him.

As he crossed the hallway he caught a glimpse of the TV. Live cricket was going on between India and Australia. He wanted to get across and out of the door quickly, but something held him back. The moment he slowed down, a wicket fell. India was now two down. Sachin Tendulkar walked into the ground. Swami cast a sideways glance at Raman and was surprised to see the familiar glint in his eyes. After all these years, the expectancy had not reduced one bit. He felt somewhat ashamed at his own loss of faith while his sixty year old father’s enthusiasm had not diminished at all. He looked back at the screen as Sachin took guard. The all-too-familiar body language of the champion had not changed. The fuss with the sightscreen, the adjustments in the groin area, the slight nod of the head, they were all intact. There was one difference though. The twinkly eyes had given way to a look of steely determination. He faced the first ball with a decisive forward movement and defended with a full-straight bat. Raman smiled eagerly. Swami knew that the old Raman would have immediately made his trademark comment – “Ah! The forward movement! He looks good today.” There was no comment from his father though. That moment threw open a floodgate of memories for Swami. He felt a pang of guilt at having side-lined the two men who had made sacrifices in their own capacities to nurture the love for cricket in him – Sachin Tendulkar and his father.

He pulled up a chair and sat down. The next ball was just short of good length. Sachin went back and punched it down the ground. The ball raced to the boundary.

Swami looked into his father’s eyes for the first time in many years.

“Look at the straightness of his elbow!” He exclaimed.

And thus began their second innings... 

OPEN LETTER TO MR COOK

Dear Cook

This is a dispassionate and unbiased letter to you from an aggrieved Indian fan. But first things first: In Your Face!!! Ok, now on to the dispassionate, unbiased part…

You, my spiffing young fellow, and your team did not realize the effects of the merciless hammering that you gave our cricketers when they were guests in your country. To biff them once in the backside is something that could be overlooked as harmless banter to ease the situation. But to repeatedly smite their tooshies till they turned as red as Turkish tomatoes was something unacceptable. If the treatment were indeed in any way worse, I am sure Sharad Pawar would have been consulting the Defence Ministry for armed support to our poor cricketers who suffered grave war-injuries at your hands. We Indians are gentle by nature. You might have experienced an exemplification of this nature of ours when we accepted the appalling treatment meted out to us with Gandhian calmness and Rahul Gandhian stupidity. But you should have known that even a stomped cockroach finally emits a stench (I don’t know why I said that but it does sound relevant.) So now you are bearing the consequences of your inhuman activities during the English Summer. Ok, let’s move on to your Batting, shall we? 

You are a corking young fellow who thinks he has mastered the art of holding the bat at that exact position where the ball cannot miss it. But this scheme seems to be working for you only in England. Have you ever sat down to think about why your bat fails you whenever you are in India? Do you know the history of the Indian Tantrics? Need I say more?

Well, just because you made merry in your home country against a bowling attack consisting of a pot-bellied kid out of slumber, two youngsters who misunderstood the wood they needed to be aiming at and a Punjabi police constable who was a fierce, self-delusional off-spinner, you think you are a choco-chip off the old ‘Cook’ie? Well, you did not play real cricket my dear fellow. Tell me, how many IPL matches have you played? Well, have you played at least a CL T20 match? Ok, have you AT LEAST played in the Karnataka Premier League?? And you call yourself a complete batsman!! Tell me my man, would any of the IPL teams even consider including you in their scheme of things? Even the terminated Kochi Tuskers will have second thoughts about you. And the new teams proposed for IPL 2015 – the Kozhikode Kozhaputtus and Madurai marikozhundus- will select you only over the dead body of Ramesh Powar (If you have seen him you will know what a laborious task that will eventually be). Hence, I would suggest that you spend some fruitful hours with the likes of Suresh Raina and Virat Kohli so that there are at least some positives for you during this tour. These experienced batsmen have played all forms of the game all over the world. They have played the IPL, the CL T20 and…of course, Tests and ODIs in India. That about sums up all of international cricket does it not? While you keep bragging about being a boss in your backyard, these people have actually been there and done that.

Now, coming to this business of 'The Whitewash', Frankly, I was amazed by your people ranting on about the complete whitewash handed out to us when we were there. I know you people have an affinity towards the fair colour but this is bordering on senility. Well, now you have got an appropriate response haven’t you? You might argue that there are still two matches to go of which you might end up winning one or both. But please understand that we Indians always leave out a spot or a smudge in our Whitewashes. So, effectively, the whitewash is already done and we are thinking about whether it will be a spotless one or not.

So sweet cookie, I hope you have learnt from your mistakes and understood the true meaning of a very famous Hindi phrase which was shouted out by all of us in India, after you embarrassed your guests of honour. Keeping that in mind make sure you let us win some matches the next time we are there or prepare to hear us shout out, once again, ‘Idhar Aao’! 

CRICKET AHOY!

After the succinctly spectacular World Cup 2011 and the briefly brilliant IPL 2011, Cricket Season has started off in England and West Indies without much ado, spectators and, in some cases, even players.




Let me put the current twin series going on in these countries in Zaltsmanian terms for better clarity. This is the first series, or pair of series, in the history of cricket where four teams – accompanied frequently by rain – are playing cricket with not four, not five, not six, heck! Not even seven, but eight current captains in their midst. England will gladly claim lions share in this as three of the eight are captaining England in each format of the game. In hindsight, this is the first time, after 12843 years and 73 days that England has been on top of…anything, I suppose. Sadly, West Indies continue to languish at the bottom with only one captain at the helm of affairs. For good measure, they have gone on to sack their vice-captain as well. India, sensing the acrimony and danger of falling victim to the stat-cracking brilliance of yours truly, went well-prepared to the West Indies. With a captain-count of two they share an honourable second spot with Sri Lanka, who brought about a cunning injury to their current captain Dilshan, dilly-dallied with Sangakkara for a test match and, in trying to out perform India, even made Thilina Kandamby their T20 captain. Sadly, Sangakkara, being a former captain, will not be counted in this stat. You might argue that even Andrew Strauss is a former captain, but logically speaking, he is also a current captain. So, in that way, it does makes sense no?


Anyway, let’s get back to cricket. The ODI series between two teams who called themselves ‘West Indies’ and ‘India’ turned out to be, Ravi Shastrically speaking, a ‘walk in the park’ for the cricket fans which was more so because most of them preferred the aforementioned activity to watching the matches being telecast. Still, we have to appreciate the fact that the series did not turn out to be as one-sided as predicted. The first three matches turned towards one side, admittedly India, and the last two matches turned towards the other side, West Indies, naturally. In the end, we got an enthralling two-sided series without Ravi Shastri’s commentary. What more can you ask for from a Cricket Series?



In complete contrast to this ODI series, we had a dull, drab and mostly damp test series between Sri Lanka and England. I keep forgetting what exactly occurred in the series except for torrential rain. Ah! Something tells me I must have dozed off when those three English mega-serials were going on – Cook, Strauss and Trott.



Coming to the Test Series between India and West Indies, one has to say that the cricket has swayed from being extraordinary to being unmentionable depending upon the following four events:



• West Indies Bowling

• India Bowling

• West Indies Batting

• Murali Vijay Batting



A great batsman once said that ‘We love Murali and we all know he can bat. We want him to just go out there and enjoy himself’. It is high time our lad acknowledges the truth behind that statement. That great batsman was Mahela Jayawardene and he was talking about Muralitharan, not Murali Vijay.



The deep-rooted patriotism towards my hometown forbids me from ridiculing the talented Vijay but seriously! Have you ever seen a worse ACTOR??



Did I say actor??



Oh, I was meaning to say BATTER.



Well…no harm done one way or the other, I suppose.

A MEANING TO THIS MADNESS

As an eight-year old boy in 1995, I was told that my grandmother had died. Everyone around me was sad. I got to know that I was also supposed to feel sad. Well, I couldn't remember how I felt then. For an eight-year old sadness revolved around tiffs with friends and occasional scoldings and beatings from his father. There was nothing much more than that. Then the Wills Cricket World cup 1996 happened. India lost to Sri Lanka in an ugly semi-final at the Eden Gardens. Unbridled tears flowed from my eyes. A game; a team of eleven players. They taught me what sadness was. 

Interest in cricket can always be expected from any school going boy in India. After all, the whole nation follows the game with such enthusiasm. On top of that, I had parents who loved cricket and never restricted me from following or playing the game. But the emotions that coursed through me even at the age of eight when watching a cricket match can be attributed to three people. Two of my Uncles who followed the game with such passion and craze, which, to this date, I have not seen anyone else match and one player who seemed to perpetrate magic on a cricket field. 

As I became older I was expected to become mature. I did become mature to a certain extent in all aspects of my life, save cricket. Cricket still dominated my emotions and has been doing so for the past seventeen years. Instead of becoming reticent with age, I became a more vociferous cricket fan. Indian losses were simply indigestible and the emotional rage I felt at moments of faulty plays during the course of Indian matches often spilled over to my surroundings. Indeed, there has been many an occasion when my mother, sister or father had to bear the brunt of my anger. Graduating from school to college changed nothing. It, in fact, made me even more passionate about the game since I was surrounded by guys as fanatic about Indian cricket as myself. Cricket was always a thread of discussion, a way of bonding and a topic of heated arguments. Indian wins were celebrated and losses were punctuated with abusive tirades. When Indian matches coincided with my brief visits to home from hostel, there were more surprises in store for my parents. I had added some choicest abuse words to my already temperamental cricket alter-ego.

 In retrospect, I am sure people around me were a worried lot. There have been many who have questioned my behaviour during an Indian cricket match. Was there a meaning to this madness? What was the eventual purpose of spending eight emotion-ridden hours before the TV every time India played a match? These were the questions put to me by many people. Others gave advice like 'cricket is a game after all' and 'winning and losing are part of sport'. I was not able to answer these doubters and was in no mood to accept their advice. Something will happen, I kept telling to myself. 

World cup 2007 happened. India's unceremonious exit prompted me to ask these questions to myself. Was there, after all, a meaning to this madness? Are these doubters indeed correct? Should I mellow down and see it just as a game? But even if I had tried to mellow down, I couldn't have done it. Some people smoke cigarettes. Some people drink alcohol. Some people take drugs. I follow Indian cricket. It is an addiction. This madness will stay with me, I thought. And I feared it. What if everything becomes a meaningless aberration? 1996, 1999, 2003 and 2007; each of these years brought renewed hope but, in the end, paved way to emptiness and frustration. 

2011 also brought with it a renewed hope. A hope accentuated by the hype surrounding it. 'India are favourites' they told. I felt a mix of thrill and apprehension on hearing those words. India started its World Cup campaign and the league phase rekindled feelings of deja vu. This time the rage became monumental. It was maybe due to the hype of hope. I lost my senses after the string of shoddy performances by India in the league phase. Amrith, my closest friend and someone who understands my cricket alter-ego better than others, can vouch for this fact. When the knock outs started I was more skeptic and less expectant. That was when the second phase of the Indian World cup began. It said 'Go on my Friend. Don't stop your dreams just as yet'. The emotions reached fever pitch. Thankfully our performance matched the soaring emotions. 

Yesterday at 11:00 pm it finally happened. The dream merged with the reality. 1996, 1999, 2003 and 2007 faded into nothingness. The pulsating emotions inside me burst out in the form of tears. I had found a meaning to this madness.

India had won the WORLD CUP... I had won the WORLD CUP

AMBI - THE CULPIRT BEHIND INDIA'S WC PER'FORM'ANCE

Following India's tawdry display on the cricket field over the past two weeks in the Cricket World Cup, blames have been ricocheting off many a pillar and post. The latest blame, surprisingly, has fallen on some low key government official who is famous for spreading across messages to every corner of the country. Known to his colleagues and friends simply as 'Ambi', this government son-in-law (mapla) has been at the receiving end from none other than skipper Mahendra Singh Dhoni. 

"Well Of course", dhoni started. "Ever since hype for this world cup began, I have been hearing from every corner of the nation that India are in form. Having lost a series in South Africa just prior to the start of the World Cup, I was surprised at this statement but let it go as harmless fan support. Then, as we unleashed our performance in the first five matches, whispers have started doing rounds that India are not in form. Frankly, I was quite nonplussed by this", dhoni continued. "That is when this fellow 'Ambi' was brought to my notice. Apparently he browses through various government tax forms and applications during his work. Now, we all know that in any application form the header will invariably be 'Government of India'. Thus, obviously India will be in form. But during the course of our fourth or fifth match, Ambi, it seems, came across a visa application form of Australia. Naturally, India will not be in that form. Thus, Ambi has been spreading the message that India are not in form".

"So, amidst all of this I don't see why Nehra or Munaf or myself need to be blamed for India's poor show against South Africa. Obviously the media and the fans are giving too much importance to Ambi's words rather than our performance. How can a team be in form just fifteen days back and suddenly not be in form unless its something to do with such a technicality spread by this Ambi?" Dhoni further questioned.

Meanwhile our sources have some inside information that Ambi might be a close ally of Ravichandran Ashwin. Please follow this page for more details about India's form...

THE REALITY CHECK

'De Ghumake!!' shouts an energetic Shankar Mahadevan, egging the average cricket-crazy Indian to offer his support to the World Cup. A popular News Channel starts a campaign called 'Good Luck India' cheering the 'gods' of Indian Sport towards their 'everestesque' quest. Our much celebrated Bollywood actors stop eating veg, non-veg or even food as a show of support to heroes who overshadow them whenever they take the cricket field. FMCG brands, advertising agencies, broadcasting firms and news channels set their cash registers ringing by capitalizing on the frenzy surrounding India's pursuit for glory. What will happen to all of them when Mahendra Singh Dhoni's men crash out of the World Cup on 24th march in Ahmedabad? 

Having followed Indian Cricket for the past fifteen years I was initially surprised when, at the beginning of the World Cup, analysts and experts unanimously chose India as the favourites to lift the coveted trophy. The respect I had for the Gangulys, Gavaskars, Greigs, Manjrekars and Bhogles made me swallow my apprehensions and raise the expectations I had on this 'champion' side. 12th March 2011 brought me, and a hundred crore other people, back to the ground reality. Does India look like a side worthy of the 'favourites' tag? 

A batting line up boasting itself to be full of flair and firepower have so far managed to complicate two comfortable chases, flounder a batting power play and commit an absolute harakiri in another power play when they found themselves in a situation very similar to the previous flounder. 

A four-man bowling unit which cannot compare itself to any of the top eight teams' respective units or, for that matter, even the less flashy, more disciplined bowling units of associates like Ireland and Bangladesh. Zaheer is good, not threatening, with the New ball and clever, not menacing, with the old one. Munaf and Nehra are bad,  but keep proving in each and every game that they can get worse. Harbhajan is just a container unless the pitch is crumbling or opponent is adventurous. Chawla is as clueless as a four year old in a topless bar when it comes to handling pressure. Ashwin seems to be perfecting the art of mixing drinks, maybe in anticipation of a future possible job as a cocktail waiter once his team exits the World cup campaign unceremoniously. 

The team's support staff consists of an astute coach, a bowling consultant who is considered to be a perfectionist, an expert physio and some of the best analytical brains of the cricketing world. Yet there is not a semblance of planning when India go on to set a target to the opponent. Would anyone in their right state of mind take up the batting powerplay when two well-set batsmen, capable of piercing the spread out field quite comfortably, are batting with freedom and spirit? When a swashbuckling batsman capable of smashing any spinner in this world out of the ground with consummate ease is available in your team, would you strive to get him to play to his strengths or send him in during the batting powerplay when pacers are bowling? How would it matter to Yusuf Pathan if there are 3 or 30 fielders outside the ring? He is aiming for only one area and there are no fielders there, only spectators. A young talent who thrives on building an innings and holding one end up is being wasted at five down in the batting order when he strides out with hardly five overs remaining in the innings. Does nobody in the famed team of support staff notice these glaring discrepancies that are quite evident even to a juvenile like me? How many more matches do we need to play to 'iron' out the wrinkles in the team and find a 'settled team composition'? What answers will Dhoni give to fans who spend hours and hours of invaluable time following, supporting and shouting their throats hoarse in favour of him and his team?

A WORLD CUP EXPERIENCE

6^th March 2011 will go down in the chronicles of my updated 23 year old life as a day to remember. I was witness to a Cricket World Cup match…finally! Now only one more dream remains…watching a world cup match involving the Indian team.

The Game

Two big guns of Group B clashing on a Super-Sunday! Couldn’t have asked for anything more than a game between South Africa and England; the latter facing a must-win situation and the former sitting pretty but untested. Being a keen Indian fan I was also rooting for South Africa to lose this match so that India can top the group even if they lose to South Africa (which, given by their current form, they undoubtedly will) and go on to play New Zealand in the Quarter Final (If things indeed happen according to the best laid plans). So did I feel a bit ashamed to be supporting a country which colonized our nation for hundred years and was instrumental in the formation of Pakistan? Ha! Anything for Cricket!!

Crowd?

I made my way into the M.A. Chidambaram Stadium, Chepauk, at Chennai, drinking in the world class infrastructure and state of the art facilities on offer. South Africa taking on England at Chennai implied that my short journey from gate no. 7 into the C stand would be more or less hassle free in contrast with the last time I was there at the same stand when India took on England and I was bedridden for 3 days after the match due to heavy stampede at the entrance of the very same gate.

Winter at Chennai?

As England padded up to bat, the sun began its scorch and a few English fans in my stand had already turned pink.  I mused as to what their colour would be if they experienced the ‘real’ Chennai Summer! Maybe ‘Tomato’ish!! As for us Chennaites, we were enjoying the mild march heat of Chennai and getting ready for some intense battle between two teams which had a ‘lot’ in common, even to the extent of player nationality!

Pietersen! Not you, Son!

We were all eagerly awaiting a ‘Pietersen’ special and naturally zealous chants of ‘Pietersen…Pietersen’ started doing rounds as the strapping ‘English’ batsman took guard. Unfortunately our chants fired up the wrong ‘Peterson’ who ended up looking like Bishen Bedi’s long lost son as he skittled out the British openers even before I could take the first sip of my cola. The Chennai crowd learnt a lesson at that moment. ‘i’s can be dotted and ‘o’s can be rounded only on paper. It’s always better to use the first name for future encouragements. Hopefully the Chennai fans and Kevin redeem themselves the next time around.

In or Out?

As the match crawled its way to the half stage I was pleasantly surprised to see quite a generous sprinkling of people in the stadium, ready to sacrifice their afternoon to watch two teams, both of which were not India, play cricket. It would have been even more a sizeable crowd had the people who spent more time at the canteen rather than the stands decided otherwise.

My support

 I had almost decided to retire as a cricket fan when I saw Trott, whose strike rate didn’t do justice to his name, and Bopara switch to test match batsmanship. Thankfully, ‘South African’ leggie Tahir accelerated proceedings and brought some colour (not a pun intended at his dyed hair) to the otherwise dull affairs. But by the time South African Batsmen decided to ‘choke’ on their lunch I was a born-again English Cricket fan egging on Stuart Broad and James Anderson with gusto.

Moment of the day

 The prized moment of the match came when A.B. De Villiers left a reverse swinging delivery from James Anderson well alone and looked as confused as an LKG child in a PhD class as he witnessed the bails at his end dislodged.

Thank you

 When Morne Morkel finally decided to end the misery of the proteas’ fans by safely edging a wild delivery into Prior's hands, the ‘Barmy Army’ in my section went berserk and I made a thankful, silent acknowledgement to the unpredictable nature of this beautiful game called Cricket. 

WORLD CUP 2011 - the Chinks and the Picks

Yes…I have been hearing the whispers for the past whole week. Fans of my cricket writing are puzzled over my non-indulgence in writing about the biggest cricketing event ever – the 2011 World Cup. I agree that it is the duty of a professional writer (in this case it would be me) to oblige the whims and fancies of his fans (Ha! Me again). So I have decided to give in.

WC 2011

Right from the time hype began for this world cup it has been obvious that this is going to be the most open world cup since the 1999 world cup when Herschelle Gibbs dropped Steve Waugh and Steve retorted with ‘You dropped the F**king world cup you slimy, butter-fingered Ba****d’ or something on similar lines.

  Australia are playing like the West Indies of late 1990s and the West Indies are playing like…well, the West Indies of late 1990s. South Africa are trying to add a touch of comedy to proceedings by openly declaring that they are the opposite of chokers now…yeah right! Then there is England going ‘Waa Waa Waa! I wanna go home! I am tired!’ after beating a third grade Australian team in the ashes. Amidst all this there are the sub continental favourties Sri Lanka and India who have played so continuously against each other that there are rumours abound that Sangakkara can now face Indian bowlers blindfolded and Harbhajan can take a backwards run up and release the ball from behind his back to the blindfolded Sangakkara. Of course we can never count out Pakistan and Daniel Vettori.

So, all in all, we are in for a cracker of a world cup unless Ireland and Bangladesh decide to throw a few surprises.

INDIA – Favourites?

The Indian media is going ga-ga over the co-host’s chances at the World Cup. Phrases like ‘Hot favourites’, ‘Strong Contenders’ and ‘most balanced’ have been doing incessant rounds as people who don’t know the C-R-I of Cricket have turned into television hosts and analysts (No offence to Charu Sharma, Boria Majumdar, Sonali Chander and Dean Jones). Before closing our eyes and declaring India as the most likely side to lift the coveted trophy let us try and analyse a few chinks in the Indian armour.

First Chink – Ashish Nehra.

I am astounded by the tag ‘death over specialist’ given to this weak, anemic left armer from Delhi. If India are to nurse any hopes of even a semi-final berth then Nehra should stop bowling consistent gentle dollies in the name of slow-bouncers and then hang his tongue out like the stray dog Subramani, who lives near our house, after being smashed for boundaries.

Second Chink – Yuvraj Singh

There was a time when Yuvraj’s form was bulging and stomach was flat. Ever since those two attributes swapped positions he has looked more and more like a Marwaadi pawn broker rather than a middle order batsman. The only reason he is in the team is because he can bowler more accurately, and at times faster, than Ashish Nehra.

Third Chink – Piyush Chawla

No particular cricketing reason, but I think he looks a bit Chinese!

MY PICKS FOR THE SEMI-FINAL SPOTS

THE LOGICAL FOUR – India, South Africa, Sri Lanka and Australia.

THE WHACKY FOUR – Bangladesh, West Indies, Ireland and Vettori.

THE IPL-4 AUCTIONS - TAPES REVEALED!!

A friend of mine working as a waiter in the IPL 2011 auctions Bangalore managed to tap a few conversations happening in the franchise tables. I present to you a transcript of the same. A warning to all readers – These snippets are purely hear and say and not as authentic as Radia tapes and also, only the franchise table is divulged by different tapes and the speakers are not known…

TAPE 1 – Kochi

“Hey! Let’s buy him. How much is he worth?

“No Idea Dude! Wait I will call Shashi…”

“Ok. Till then I’ll just be competitive in the bidding…”

After sometime…

“Hey! Shashi told he’s good. We can go up to $500K for him…What’s this? Where did he go?”

“Chill buddy! We bought him. Apparently when I tried to be competitive everyone else stopped competing”

“Hey! I like that guy. Can we buy him?”

“No dude! He’s the auctioner…”

End of Tape

Tape 2 – Mumbai Indians

“Hey! Don’t keep nudging my hands. I know when to raise them”

“It’s not that madam. Last time also when they asked who wanted tea you raised your paddle and we ended up paying $100,000 for Green Tea with lemon…”

“Err. Ok ok! At least prompt me discreetly ok?”

End of Tape

Tape 3 – Royal Challengers Bangalore

“Dad! Chill! Keep a check ok? I have promised Deepika a Ruby encrusted Emerald embedded Diamond laced Platinum necklace.”

“What??? But Why?

“Well. She’s been supporting me through my rises and falls…Mostly Rises (Sly chuckle…)”

End of Tape

Tape 4 – Chennai Supekings

“Fool! Why did you raise your paddle?”

“Oh No! But I only had an itch in my armpit”

“Idiot! See now nobody is bidding. That’s it…Sold. Now we are stuck with Wriddhiman Saha. Damn!”

End of Tape

Tape 5 – Rajasthan Royals

“Hey lets buy Dravid. He is ‘the wall’ right?”

“Yes madam. But he is not much suited for T20.”

“What’s that?”

“T20! That’s IPL’s Format madam. 20 overs per team.”

“Oh. Right! But come on guys. That day I saw in highlights. He kept batting for one full day. No one could get him out”

“That’s test cricket madam. In t20 you need to be aggressive and hit boundaries.”

“What’s that?”

“Boundaries madam! Fours!”

“Oh! So you mean to say Dravid doesn’t have much Force and is too soft?”

“Not Force madam! Fours! That thing which happens when the ball crosses the ropes…”

“Oh! Ok ok…”

End of Tape

INDIA VS. SOUTH AFRICA - A STATISTICAL PRELUDE

If the two-test curtain raiser held in February 2010 in India was any indicator, then we are in for some pulsating action, come 16^th December. India and South Africa locked horns in that mini series and neither of the teams managed to unlock them. So the 3 test series beginning in two days will be one last chance for the two teams to establish supremacy in the world test arena before the ODI fever catches on from February 2011.

On comparing the two teams it is evident that India holds the edge in Batting while South Africa is easily the better bowling outfit. So, many ‘experts’ have already dubbed the series as ‘Indian batting Supremacy vs. S. African Bowling Fury’ which, according to me, is not entirely convincing.

When two teams with exceptionally strong line ups with respect to batting or bowling face each other, it’s not the stronger departments that should be compared but the weaker ones. We all know that South African Bowling attack has the capability of taking twenty wickets on any sort of pitch against any batting line up. Similarly the Indian batting line up, on its day, can put any bowling attack in the world to sword irrespective of rumoured weaknesses and pitch warnings. So the two strengths cancel each other out. What about the South African batting line up and the Indian Bowling line up? In my view, these two departments will decide the whole series. So let us make an independent comparison of the two departments. Fixing the maximum rating points as 60, we shall compare the four Indian bowlers (leave out the bench for now) against the six protean batsmen. Each Batsman will have maximum rating points of 10 while each bowler will have 15. I have tabulated the results after taking into account the performances of the players in the calendar year of 2010.

India			South Africa
Player	PP	Pts (/15)	Player	PP	Pts (/10)
Zaheer	50%	7.5	Smith	78%	7.8
Ishant	33%	4.95	Peterson	50%	5
Sreesanth	20%	3	Amla	78%	7.8
Harbhajan	50%	7.5	Prince	33%	3.3
			Kallis	78%	7.8
			De Villiers	67%	6.7
Total		23			38

*PP is Performance percentage which is calculated with respect to the number of matches that the player has made an impact for his team as a percentage of number of matches played in the year 2010. For example, Zaheer Khan has played 8 tests in 2010 and has made an impact in 4 of them, making his PP 50%.

It is clear from the above table that South Africa is stronger than India when it comes to its weaker department.

Thus, statistics say that South Africa, in accordance to the favourites tag, should win the series.

But Statistics tell only half the story right? Well, let’s wait and watch…

THE ALL-TIME RIDICULOUS INDIAN XI

The Debates have died and the debris has settled. ESPN Cricinfo have finally released their list of ALL-TIME WORLD XI. It is now time to move on to a list that is far more important. The one that is going to be revealed right here, in this very page which is being visited by millions of fans world over every day (curiously though, they all tend to have the same IP address), is a much more important and a far more patriotic list than that totally biased one which had only one Indian (imagine the atrocity of leaving Sanjay Bangar from an all time XI! Truly apocryphal!). In fact this list is full of Indians. It can be called…well…let’s say, All time Ridiculous Indian XI.

Now, before embarking on such a strenuous project which had the potential to consume most of my otherwise packed office hours (apply 4 point formula or read previous post), I did some extensive research of India’s capped players from the 90s. With a strong backing from this acquired data I have now decided to let this list out. Before going to the list let me take this opportunity to tender my apologies to Sachin Tendulkar and his fans. Though it is a criminal offence to leave Tendulkar out of any list relating to cricket I hope all you guys, including the great man himself, accede with me on perusal of the list below.

THE OPENERS:

Nominees

· Shiv Sundar Das

· Devang Gandhi

· Sanjay Bangar

· Akash Chopra

· Sujith Somasundar

The Final Cut: Sujith Somasundar and Devang Gandhi.

This deadly duo has all the attributes needed for a successful test match opening partnership. Firstly a very strong defense; next…hmmm…what else? I surely seem to be forgetting something here…Ok chuck it. An Honourable mention at this juncture has to be Aakash Chopra. If there was ever an example for cricket being a ‘gentleman’s game’ this man was it. He was so gentle with the ball and the bowlers - A strict ‘no no’ to any shot which needed some amount of force to carry it across the inner circle.

THE MIDDLE ORDER:

Nominees

· Sanjay Bangar

· Vijay Bhardwaj

· Atul Wassan

· Hrishikesh Kanitkar

The Final Cut: Vijay Bhardwaj, Atul Wassan, Hrishikesh Kanitkar.

Vijay Bhardwaj is the perfect one drop foil for our majestic openers. It seems that he used to have great hand-eye coordination before he started wearing spectacles. The crowning moment in the chronicles of his three test career surely has to be a defiant 35-ball innings of 6 runs on a bouncy Sydney wicket against the furious pace of Brett Lee. Legend has it that after facing Brett Lee during that innings, Vijay was convinced that he had eyesight problems as he failed to spot the ball on more than one occasion.

Atul Wassan is one of those unfortunate dyslexic Indians who gets muddled up with numbers. Confusion with respect to batting and bowling averages made this gentle giant to assume that a high bowling average and a low batting average is the practiced agenda in cricket, while vice versa was the way to go. His exemplary batting average of 23.50 and not so bad Bowling average of 50.40 gets him into our middle order (though I am aware that he was actually chosen as a bowler, I would like to stick with my selection as I feel his analysis of Batting during ‘Fourth Umpire’ is far better than his analysis of bowling or, for that matter, his bowling itself).

A swat over mid wicket in fading light against Saqlain Mushtaq to seal a famous Indian win over arch rival Pakistan is the only reason why Hrishikesh Kanitkar is in this team. It’s not very different from the reason why he was in the Indian team during his illustrious career of 2 tests and 34 ODIs.

THE ALL ROUNDER: No nominees; SANJAY BANGAR. Period.

THE WICKET KEEPER:

Nominees

· Sanjay Bangar (What? He can do anything on a cricket field!)

· Vijay Dahiya

· Saba Karim

· Deep Dasgupta

The Final Cut: Should we even have a speculation?

Of course DEEP DASGUPTA

Once when Geoffrey Boycott was asked who he thought was India’s best wicket keeper, he quipped in his usual Yorkshire accent that India’s best wicket keeper was Syed Kirmani, adding that India also possessed a gem of a ‘goal’ keeper in Deep Dasgupta. Such was the young Bengali ‘keeper’s aura. He redefined the art of wicket keeping with his nonchalant, casual ways behind the stumps which often led to even the soft spoken Sunil Joshi venturing into a tirade of choicest words from diverse Indian languages. Though an International Test Century against England does question his worth in this particular line up, his wicket keeping prowess and the very fact that he generously let ‘bye’gones be ‘bye’gones more than makes up for it.

THE MEDIUM PACERS:

Nominees

· Tinu Yohannan

· Dodda Ganesh

· Debasis Mohanty

· David Johnson

· Harvinder Singh

· Sanjay Bangar

The Final Cut: Harvinder Singh, Dodda Ganesh

Harvinder Singh was the most feared spinner and the least feared medium pacer that India has ever produced. The variations with pace (Slower ball was his stock delivery, while ‘mystery’ ball was his surprise weapon as the ball often failed to reach the batsman) along with his vast experience (his 3 match test career spanned for an astonishing 3 years from 1998 to 2001) make Harvinder a sure shot in our line up.

Dodda Ganesh was a man of less words; and lesser wickets; and even lesser pace. Three attributes which make him an auto-pick.

THE SPINNERS:

Nominees

· Nilesh Kulkarni

· Rahul Sanghvi

· Ashish Kapoor

· Harvinder Singh

· (Of course) Sanjay Bangar

The Final Cut: Ashish Kapoor, Nilesh Kulkarni

Ashish Kapoor was the classical off spinner India were looking for after the retirement of Venkatraghavan. After he came to the fore India have decided to stop looking for such options in the future. One of the reasons why his colourful 4 test match career didn’t garner enough attention was due to his constant shuttling between Punjab and Tamil Nadu. He made it such a habit that after a while he even divided his first class career between the 2 states.

Nilesh Kulkarni got a wicket of his first ball in international cricket when he dismissed Marvan Attapattu of Sri Lanka. He immediately decided that he had to finish his career on a high right then and there. Though he had taken the decision in his mind, mundane cricketing rules made him play the whole test match. He must have been a baffled man when he was asked to play the next match- Sri Lanka the opponents again- as well. When he got picked for one more test against Australia, he decided enough was enough. His brutal spell of 1/137 on that minefield in Chennai against the clueless Aussie batting order was enough to stamp his name in the annals of history. He never stepped onto an International Cricket field again.

THE ALL TIME RIDICULOUS INDIAN XI: Devang Gandhi, Sujith Somasundar, Vijay Bhardwaj, Atul Wassan, Hrishikesh Kanitkar, SANJAY BANGAR (Captain, Vice-Captain, 12th Man and Substitute Wicket Keeper), Deep Dasgupta (gk), Harvinder Singh, Dodda Ganesh, Ashish Kapoor, Nilesh Kulkarni

That, my folks, was the All Time Ridiculous Indian XI. There were some tough choices that were made and some hard decisions that were taken. As Ravi Shastri says, in the end Cricket is the real winner.

Sanjay Manjrekar, when asked about his controversial exclusion from the line up, had two words to say – “It’s Ridiculous!”

Of course Mr. Manjrekar. And we thank you for reiterating it.

We have also decided to give away a special ‘most diverse player’ award to Sanjay Bangar for getting nominated in all categories. That is something even the famous Sachin Tendulkar can only dream of.