Friday, October 21, 2011


Dear Cook

This is a dispassionate and unbiased letter to you from an aggrieved Indian fan. But first things first: In Your Face!!! Ok, now on to the dispassionate, unbiased part…

You, my spiffing young fellow, and your team did not realize the effects of the merciless hammering that you gave our cricketers when they were guests in your country. To biff them once in the backside is something that could be overlooked as harmless banter to ease the situation. But to repeatedly smite their tooshies till they turned as red as Turkish tomatoes was something unacceptable. If the treatment were indeed in any way worse, I am sure Sharad Pawar would have been consulting the Defence Ministry for armed support to our poor cricketers who suffered grave war-injuries at your hands. We Indians are gentle by nature. You might have experienced an exemplification of this nature of ours when we accepted the appalling treatment meted out to us with Gandhian calmness and Rahul Gandhian stupidity. But you should have known that even a stomped cockroach finally emits a stench (I don’t know why I said that but it does sound relevant.) So now you are bearing the consequences of your inhuman activities during the English Summer. Ok, let’s move on to your Batting, shall we? 

You are a corking young fellow who thinks he has mastered the art of holding the bat at that exact position where the ball cannot miss it. But this scheme seems to be working for you only in England. Have you ever sat down to think about why your bat fails you whenever you are in India? Do you know the history of the Indian Tantrics? Need I say more?

Well, just because you made merry in your home country against a bowling attack consisting of a pot-bellied kid out of slumber, two youngsters who misunderstood the wood they needed to be aiming at and a Punjabi police constable who was a fierce, self-delusional off-spinner, you think you are a choco-chip off the old ‘Cook’ie? Well, you did not play real cricket my dear fellow. Tell me, how many IPL matches have you played? Well, have you played at least a CL T20 match? Ok, have you AT LEAST played in the Karnataka Premier League?? And you call yourself a complete batsman!! Tell me my man, would any of the IPL teams even consider including you in their scheme of things? Even the terminated Kochi Tuskers will have second thoughts about you. And the new teams proposed for IPL 2015 – the Kozhikode Kozhaputtus and Madurai marikozhundus- will select you only over the dead body of Ramesh Powar (If you have seen him you will know what a laborious task that will eventually be). Hence, I would suggest that you spend some fruitful hours with the likes of Suresh Raina and Virat Kohli so that there are at least some positives for you during this tour. These experienced batsmen have played all forms of the game all over the world. They have played the IPL, the CL T20 and…of course, Tests and ODIs in India. That about sums up all of international cricket does it not? While you keep bragging about being a boss in your backyard, these people have actually been there and done that.

Now, coming to this business of 'The Whitewash', Frankly, I was amazed by your people ranting on about the complete whitewash handed out to us when we were there. I know you people have an affinity towards the fair colour but this is bordering on senility. Well, now you have got an appropriate response haven’t you? You might argue that there are still two matches to go of which you might end up winning one or both. But please understand that we Indians always leave out a spot or a smudge in our Whitewashes. So, effectively, the whitewash is already done and we are thinking about whether it will be a spotless one or not.

So sweet cookie, I hope you have learnt from your mistakes and understood the true meaning of a very famous Hindi phrase which was shouted out by all of us in India, after you embarrassed your guests of honour. Keeping that in mind make sure you let us win some matches the next time we are there or prepare to hear us shout out, once again, ‘Idhar Aao’!