Sunday, August 29, 2010


Disclaimer: This is being posted for fun, though there might be coincidental truths involved.

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The uproar over spot fixing allegations in the lord’s test has left the main suspect, Mohammed Asif, bewildered. On being questioned about a tape containing a phone conversation in which he was found to have repeatedly said “I will fix it once I get there” Asif revealed that he was talking to his wife about their defunct toilet flush.

“Moreover I know my limitations. I can do petty things like performance enhancing drugs and steroids, but fixing? Man, I will never venture into such dangerous areas of cricket without consulting experienced players like Malik Bhai, Rahman Bhai, Akmal Bhai and Ijaz Bhai”, he said earnestly. On further questioned as to which Ijaz Bhai he meant, Ijaz Ahmed or Ijaz Butt, he refused to give a straight answer.

Meanwhile Dhoni has come out with the reason for his ambassadorship to Siyarams. “You see, when I started captaining many people started criticizing my selection to the helm. They kept saying things like, ‘It doesn’t suit him’. So, by promoting Siyarams Suits and Shirts I have managed to make my detractors eat humble pie”, he stated, once again exuding his affability to English idioms and practice of interpreting words with fixed meanings, irrespective of context, much like his captaincy.

In news from back home, BCCI has decided to support a modified version of the UDRS. They would like to call it the RUDRS. Unveiling the modification officially, the BCCI secretary N. Srinivasan spoke to press people regarding it.

“The RUDRS or Rauf Umpire Decision Referral System is a new initiative by us keeping in mind the growing amount of genuine human mistakes being done by umpires’ world over. We picked Mr. Asad Rauf as he is the benchmark for all other umpires coming under scrutiny in this system. With the advent of this, we intend to encourage umpires to take Mr. Rauf’s lead and start making bold, brazen decisions all over the world against all countries- not only against India as is happening now- so that RURDS will soon gain momentum to replace UDRS”, he finished amidst energetic applause.

On being chosen for the honour, Umpire Asad Rauf was happy and felt indebted to India and its players. “I will continue to support RUDRS and thank the sportive Indian players for standing by my decisions, enabling me to achieve this rare fete. I assure that I will continue my work diligently and bring further laurels to RUDRS”, he finished, causing MS Dhoni to contemplate retirement from all forms of the game, except commercials.

In news from the New Zealand camp, Captain Ross Taylor has said he was happy with the performance of his young inexperienced side in the recent tri series. “We came into the tournament without any expectations because we had lost more than half the team to Vettori’s injury. It has been a learning experience for these young guys to play in place of Vettori”, he said. However on a personal front, he added that he was unhappy with the criticism his batting was getting. “They keep saying I am not able to stitch together partnerships. That is a very rude way to make fun of my name”, he noted in a dejected manner. He further revealed plans of changing his name from Ross Taylor to Ross Scissors, in order to escape such unwarranted criticism.

Meanwhile Zaheer Khan is raring to go after recovering from his shoulder injury. He discussed the hectic season ahead in a chat with our correspondent.

“I have recovered fully from my shoulder injury and am all set to for my next one- Knee injury. I hope to continue my Shoulder performance with my knee also. It’s going to be challenging but as a senior pacer, I know my responsibilities and will surely fulfill fans’ expectations. I know the busy schedule ahead, what with Calf muscle, hip and tennis elbow coming up. I hope to be fully fit for all that and more to follow after the 2011 World cup thigh surgery”, he said, all the while banging his knee against the side table.

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